Fifty Ways to Commit Social Suicide2 min read

This list is based on social conventions I had no hand in. If I had that kind of power, divas would rule Earth and the unfashionable would be living in a bubble in space.

1. Mooing at a funeral

2. Wearing prison orange to your best friend’s wedding

3. Spending your bar mitzvah money on Balenciaga

4. Turning fourteen and automatically becoming a basic white bitch

5. Telling your life story in a salad recipe

6. Spilling Chai on your Canadian Goose jacket

7. Only buying one hand soap when you go into Bath and Body Works

8. Talking about your array of chainsaws at a baby shower

9. Brushing your teeth with Monistat

10. Taking a job as a food tester at Fancy Feast

11. Saving yourself for Luke Perry, but it’s 2019

12.Perpetually saying I Love You on first dates

13. Naming your first born Hamlet

14. Accidentally liking an Instagram picture of Mel Gibson

15.Bragging to the popular table you bought a new terrarium

16. Skinny dipping with the Westboro Baptist Church

17.Accidentally telling people you shop at Payless

18. Announcing on Facebook your new bestie is Sally from Hobby Lobby

19. Spitting your tea on the Queen

20. Getting a boner in the middle of home room

21. Celebrating Valentine’s Day with your pregnant hamster 

22. Referencing your metaphorical penis in a faculty meeting

23. Wearing round toe-shoes with a maxi skirt

24. Mowing your gym teacher’s lawn so you don’t have to do push-ups

25. Serving burgers on a genuine silver platter

26. Becoming addicted to a Bible quote generator

27. Being the one person in Mississippi who’s read a book that didn’t have the Grinch in it 

28. Naming your band Hetero Taxidermy

29. When the other nuns find out you’ve had more sex this week than Peter Rabbit’s mum

30. Getting caught by a theater usher with a watermelon in your purse

31.Letting your herpes med fall out of your pocket in the break room

32. Making fake profiles to praise your main profile

33. Coming out in the backseat of an ice cream truck

34. Finally getting a nickname in school, but that nickname is ‘wet whet frog dong’

35. Having a moral code 

36. Getting married at a Chic-fil-a

37. Accidentally posting something meant for your incel support group on your Facebook wall

38. Consistently mixing up the words celiac and aphrodisiac 

39. Automatically saying, “yes” when others ask “Am I ugly?” 

40. Admitting your one and only kiss was with a Toggenburg goat

41. You land your first date in a decade and cancel to go to Beatlemania

42. You fall in love with a George Harrison impersonator who looks more like Roseanne Barr

43. Showing the vicar your black lace thong only to remember you’re not wearing one 

44. Realizing the secret to longevity is avoiding men at all costs

45. When your mom talks about your impotence on Dr. Phil

46.Attending a PRIDE night Ariana Grande karaoke competition and coming in first place

47. When you tell your plastic surgeon you want to look like Danny DeVito, and now you’re the Penguin

48. Destroying opinions with facts

49. Realizing everyone thinks you’re a douche blower because you shop at H&M

50. Just being yourself

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